Anyone who knows me or my family would know that that’s something I would never do. The first thing she asked was if I had been drinking. I said no, and she sounded like I’d gone crazy.

I’ve been thinking a lot about myself lately, and how I’m nothing like the person I should be. It eats at me every opportunity it gets- and that’s all too often.

I spent the weekend by myself and had a lot of time to think about this. I’ve always been all for change. I’ve grown up dealing with more of it than your average person has. Being a military kid has done that for me. So instead of telling people to take the initiative and make the change they want to see in themselves, I told myself that.

For starters, I woke up this morning at 6:00 a.m., like usual. This time, instead of sitting at my desk, staring at my laptop, I showered and read over notes. That was for two reasons: one, my laptop broke sometime during the night. Second: I’m determined to improve my standing in school this semester.

I went to both of my morning classes, even though I absolutely hate them and look for any opportunity to skip. I spent my break between my classes trying to figure out why my keyboard quit working- but I failed. I was in a good mood through O. Comm, and was active and actually  led my group meeting for once. Being vice president, I guess I’m supposed to be a mediator. And mediate I did.

After class I went down to Mansfield with a friend. I was in a great mood all through it. Another change I’m trying to make: Stop being the crazy, pissed off, depressed person I’ve always been. I didn’t even just hide it- I didn’t even feel it. It was great.

I came back and spent a few hours at work. I’m being paid for my photography now! It’s awesome. I’m really happy. I have an interview tomorrow morning about a photo shoot from a third party that they want me to do on Sunday, for cash. I’m excited.

After work I called my mom, just to say hello. She was laid off two weeks ago, and she’s been trying to cope with that. Being a college kid in a dead city, I know how hard it is to find a job and I know how depressing and discouraging it is when you don’t work. Today was her first day out of work.

So I called to say hello and ask how her day was. After she got past the fact that I would usually never in a million years do this, she seemed happy to hear from me. She told me that my dad was going out of town Wednesday through Friday, so I invited her to come up to school and spend Wednesday afternoon with me.

Oddly, I’m excited to see her.

Change is coming. And I like it.

School is good so far. Its kicking my ass, but I’ll pull through.

I can’t help but think of every way my relationship could be easier. I guess that’s just the kind of guy I am. Either way, things HAVE to change.

More later.

2:30am

Lightning flashes across the sky, followed quickly by a clap of thunder. Rain patters down around me, soaking through my hoodie. My sandals make a light squish as I walk down the street. Empty frat houses loom around me. I lean my head back, exposing my face to the rain and let out a heavy sigh.

I know what I’m dealing with, and I’m not dealing with it well enough. Emotions that I’m not used to dealing with. So I don’t know how to deal with them.

I turn down the walkway towards the house. The old, wooden door with the peeling paint has never been so inviting. I dig my keys out of my pocket and unlock the front door. My hood drips onto the floor as I remove it and walk across the foyer to the stairs. Another sigh as I climb them. Another resident exits the restroom as I approach my door. We exchange a quick greeting as I turn my key in the lock. I’m struggling with it- feeling as if I’m intoxicated.

I throw my keys on the desk. The air conditioner feels cold against my wet skin. Her picture litters my desk.

I moved back to school a few days ago. Like I said in a previous post, I feel like I’ve lost the best part of me. I’m angry about too much right now, and I think it’s all stemming from that. I lashed out at her today because she doesn’t understand what I’m dealing with right now. Things don’t just fall into place for everybody like it has for her, and I think she doesn’t understand that when you’ve seen nothing but failure, such as myself, it’s hard to believe that anything ever will.

I think it’s better to just not talk about some things sometimes.

My stomach growls as I hang my wet hoodie on the end of the bed. It’s too late to cook anything, and all of the local restaurants are closed. Besides, it’s not like I can afford to eat. Looks like I’m going hungry again tonight.

Due to the Wal-mart fiasco this summer, I’m left with barely any money. Not only because of that, but also due to my inability to save any. I have too many obligations right now- car payments, gas, insurance, cell phone, school, and not to mention her engagement ring. It’s no wonder my paychecks are gone before I even see them.

I don’t know why I feel so strange whenever she goes to work. It’s a flood of emotions- jealousy, envy, anger, sadness. Jealous because she’s making money. Envy because she’s “the breadmaker”- a role that I’ve always been brought up to believe that it’s the man’s job to bring in the money. I’ve always had issues with this kind of stuff, but that’s another entry in itself. But I’ve always had issues with the girl paying, driving, bringing in more money… Typical role reversals like that. I don’t know why, but I’ve always had a problem with that, and I can’t shake it to save my life.

Anger because I’m not doing that. I feel so worthless and pathetic sitting on my ass doing nothing while she’s spending her day working. I don’t know what to do about it, but I can’t ever change that. No matter what I do I can’t shake the feeling of worthlessness and self pity. I know it’s unhealthy, I know it’s stupid- but I can’t do anything about it. And that’s what brings me to sadness.

I drop my empty wallet on the dresser. Tears burn in the back of my eyes as I feel the light weight of it, as I hear it drop on the surface. It’s never a reassuring sound, or a reassuring feeling.

She doesn’t understand it. “one summers pay” is how I’m living through the year. If I have no money from the summer, I have no money through the year. I can’t make payments, and accumulate “a little debt.” But if I start the year going into “a little debt,” that grows into “a lot of debt,” which gets harder and harder to pay off. It’s a bad spot to be in, especially when I put that debt into the debt school is going to leave me with. And we all know where our economy is going.

The air conditioner whirs back on. Cold air floods the room as lightning flashes again. I collapse on my bed and let out another heavy sigh, exhaustion stabbing at my eyes as my eyelids begin to sag. These last few weeks with only three hours of sleep a night aren’t cutting it anymore- I need more. But it doesn’t come to me.

I’m glad this summer happened. As shitty as it was, I wouldn’t change much about it.

First thing I’m gonna talk about is my girlriend. We ended up getting engaged about two weeks ago. I had to leave her last night, and I’ve been feeling alone ever since. It’s like I left the most important thing in the world to me behind. We’ll see each other again, but it still sucks.

I think this is going to be a good school year. My roommate and I got pretty close last year, but unfortunately he’s not coming back this year. On the upside, I got the opportunity to move into a converted frat house instead of living in the dorms. That’ll be a really nice step up.

Classes start Monday. I’m really excited for them to start. I’m excited to get another chance and an opportunity to improve my standing. I really need to do that… School is going to rule my life. School and work. Wal-mart was a terrible experience for me this summer (see previous entries), and I’m going back to school as broke as I was when I left. My organizations are all starting to kick up, and over the next few days I’m going to start recruiting speakers for the Public Relations firm. It’ll be cool to see what direction that takes this year.

On a more personal note, I ended a journal last night. It’s harder than you’d think… Digging for those perfect words to sum up everything that’s been discussed in the previous pages. It’s hard because you only get one chance to do it, and you don’t want to drag it on.

I learned last week that my insurance company is dropping me. On my new policy I can only have one car, and it costs about three times as much. Needless to say, my parents aren’t happy. The night before me, I had gotten my eyebrow pierced. Needless to say, my parents weren’t happy about that one, either. So I got several good talks about how I was such a disappointment, failure, so on and so forth. It was reassuring to hear it all, to be honest. At least I don’t have to guess anymore.

When I returned to work with that doctor’s note, they decided that a doctor’s note was unacceptable. Here’s a list of ways Wal-Mart has fucked me over since then:

1. “Verbal coaching” for having a doctor’s note

2. Never taught me how to request off, so when I finally taught myself it was too late to get the days off.

3. Still have me on schedule as day shift, so I’m working third shift without getting the extra dollar. This is also pissing off the day shift managers because they don’t know what’s going on.

4. Won’t give me an answer on which shifts to work

I really hate this job. I kind of wish they would just fire me to get it over with, instead of giving me the run-around like this. There is absolutely NO organization in the company. None of the managers can agree on anything, nor can they stop fighting with each other. I’m working third shfit but they never switched me off days in the system, so I’m not getting the extra dollar and day shift managers are getting pissed. I was supposed to work at noon today, but I never heard from the company about whether or not I was supposed to work day or third shift today. I might just not go in until I figure it out.

My depression has been really bad these last two days. Friday I couldn’t even get myself to get out of bed until mid-afternoon. When I did I felt drowzy and unmotivated. I slept good, better than I usually do. Then yesterday I didn’t even wake up until 3:00pm. That’s bad for me, considering I’m one to wake up by 10am, even over the summer. Today I was up earlier, but it’s been the same scenario.

I’m wondering if it’s more me than the job. Maybe I’m just lacking work ethic or motivation. I haven’t either registered for summer classes yet, and they start Monday. Fuck.

I started trying to write last night. Nothing came of it… I probably won’t let anyone read it. I feel like maybe some people shouldn’t.

I’m really not liking my job. 40 hours a week, and it’s a freaking part-time job. Nine hours a night, five nights a week. 10pm-7am. All we’re doing is stocking. We don’t even have customers yet. I can’t wait for the freaking store to open so I can do something else.

I think this job is part of what’s making me miserable right now. I don’t want to spend this entire summer miserable, but honestly I’m kind of thinking that’s what’s going to end up happening. Especially because I should be starting classes next week, and picking up another job soon.

I hope this summer isn’t a repeat of last…

School ended, unfortunately. Second semester was moderately tame because the only things that were in my life were school and my girlfriend. Most of my friendships crumbled, except for the ones that truly mattered. I spent my nights doing homework and my weekends with my girlfriend.

The week school got out I went to Michigan for five days to work on my 1990 VW Corrado. I got it road-worthy again, and drove it back to Dayton. I stopped and spent a night at my girlfriend’s, who was still in school. Some stuff went down that I wasn’t too happy with, but oh well. It happens. Nothing left to do but get over it.

The week I got home I spent most of my time sitting around, feeling entirely useless. I had started the job hunt, and with Dayton’s economy I was getting nowhere. Tuesday night I picked up my girlfriend. I was already sick of being in Dayton, so I was pretty happy to get out for a few hours, especially to spend it with her.

Nothing too exciting happened after that. I’ve been dealing with a lot of flack from my parents about stuff lately. Grades, money, you name it. Apparently I’m a failure of a son, as I’ve noted before. They say I don’t give enough back, and I honestly can’t think of any way to give anymore than I already do.

I’m out of the house a lot because I can’t fucking stand it here. Being back on the leash of no independence, under my parent’s rule. Fun stuff there. Rules, guidelines, anything. It’s such a culture shock, compared to what I’ve been living like at school.

I did finally get a job. I’m looking for a second. I work third shift at Wal-Mart. I started last night, but had to leave about two hours early because I was basically dying. My manager wasn’t happy at all. I still feel pretty crappy, but can’t call off tonight. I have to work… I need to toughen up and just work through it.

I don’t know… I don’t think I have much else to say.

Because I don’t wanna be like this
I’ve been running these streets
for too long now
I’ve got nothing thats true
but this song now
but the further I go
I wanna go home

Because I don’t wanna be like this
I’ve been running these streets
for too long now
I’ve got nothing thats true
but this song now
but the further I go
I wanna go home

I fuckin’ swear that I care
but its hard when you stare
into the bottom of a bottle
that is empty and bare
all my desolate soul
in my desolate home
it’s my desolate role
yeah I’m here all alone
I can’t think of a reason
to get the fuck out of bed
curtains closed, lights are off
Am I alive or dead?
I haven’t shaved in a week
I always slur when I speak
tolerance at its peak
another fit just to sleep
oh woe is me woe is me
I guess I need love
hoes ya see hoes ya see
I’m just in a rut
and I swear I’m tryin baby please
Baby don’t leave
god-damn I’m a fuck-up
But I guess that’s just me
so I sit in my room
and I’ll cry in my bed
thinkin about all the shit
that made me wrong in my head
I keep tryin to climb
but it seems so steep
pour myself a fuckin’ whisky
and go back to sleep…. bitch

Because I don’t wanna be like this
I’ve been running these streets
for too long now
I’ve got nothing thats true
but this song now
but the further I go
I wanna go home

Because I don’t wanna be like this
I’ve been running these streets
for too long now
I’ve got nothing thats true
but this song now
but the further I go
I wanna go home

I watch my momma cry
she says ‘baby why?’
I say ‘baby died,
baby’s gone like a suicide’
I don’t think you’ll see him soon, mom
stay out my room, mom
tell daddy that I hate
that mother f**ker like you, mom
I sing this shit for you, Danny, Sasha and Jordan
these tears keep gettin warmer
everytime that I hold her
I pour this out for you
like a partner in crime
it’s part of the times
when you’re sick in the mind
yeah I’m sick, oh so sick
I’m so sick of this shit
Yeah I’m lit, oh so lit
I’m so f**ked up off it
so I stumble around
til I stumble fall down
to this puddle of my tears
layin here on the ground

when you’ve got nothing left
you’ve got nothing left to lose
with my last left single breath
I’ll still be singing to you
so when you bury me man
you better bury me deep
and sing along to this song
because you’re broken like me

Because I don’t wanna be like this
I’ve been running these streets
for too long now
I’ve got nothing thats true
but this song now
but the further I go
I wanna go home

And I wanna go back to the start
back where we started from
and I know it’s been so long
I was wrong, I was wrong
I was wrong all along

Because I don’t wanna be like this
I’ve been running these streets
for too long now
I’ve got nothing thats true
but this song now
but the further I go
I wanna go home

Hollywood Undead – The Diary

So there’s the corner that I sat on
The road I walked home in the rain
And there’s the star I used to wish on
It all just seems like yesterday

Days go by
Nothing’s getting clearer
Can’t change my mind
My troubles are the same
Faces change
The names they are familiar
And the streets I see
Will stand the test of time

So there’s the corner that I sat on
The road I walked home in the rain
And there’s the star I used to wish on
It all just seems like yesterday

And those stars
Stars still shine
Shine down through the rain

And there’s the corner that I sat on
The road I walked home in the rain
And there’s the star I used to wish on
It all just seems like yesterday

And I stare out this dirty window
As this world goes slowly by
And somewhere out there is the future
That I once thought had passed me by

Sheltered me from nothing but the weather

Staind – “The Corner”

I’m fearing spring break. Probably the only college kid who is.

Can anyone even comprehend how much weight that would be on one person, if they had to save the entire world? Did anyone ever think of how much pressure was on Spider-man when Dr. Octavius was about to take over the world? Or what about all of the times Superman had to stop an evil villain from global domination?

Think about it… Every single human life resting on your shoulders. Be it someone trying to take over the world, a meteor flying at our planet that, upon impact, would send such a shock throughout the world that everyone would be blown to pieces? Or here’s a more realistic theory- you’re the one person on the world able to stop the approaching nuclear war.

Every single human life. Every man, mother, child, grandmother, cousin, brother, father, sister, whatever there possibly is. Everyone from the president of the United States, to the faceless hobo on the streetcorner, to your parents, to your wife, to your kids. Everyone in the world, resting on your shoulder. And if you fuck it up, they’re all gone, and it’s all your fault. You’d have to live with that for the rest of your life, if you weren’t dead too.

No pressure, right?