No title.

I can’t really think of a good title.

I learned last week that my insurance company is dropping me. On my new policy I can only have one car, and it costs about three times as much. Needless to say, my parents aren’t happy. The night before me, I had gotten my eyebrow pierced. Needless to say, my parents weren’t happy about that one, either. So I got several good talks about how I was such a disappointment, failure, so on and so forth. It was reassuring to hear it all, to be honest. At least I don’t have to guess anymore.

When I returned to work with that doctor’s note, they decided that a doctor’s note was unacceptable. Here’s a list of ways Wal-Mart has fucked me over since then:

1. “Verbal coaching” for having a doctor’s note

2. Never taught me how to request off, so when I finally taught myself it was too late to get the days off.

3. Still have me on schedule as day shift, so I’m working third shift without getting the extra dollar. This is also pissing off the day shift managers because they don’t know what’s going on.

4. Won’t give me an answer on which shifts to work

I really hate this job. I kind of wish they would just fire me to get it over with, instead of giving me the run-around like this. There is absolutely NO organization in the company. None of the managers can agree on anything, nor can they stop fighting with each other. I’m working third shfit but they never switched me off days in the system, so I’m not getting the extra dollar and day shift managers are getting pissed. I was supposed to work at noon today, but I never heard from the company about whether or not I was supposed to work day or third shift today. I might just not go in until I figure it out.

My depression has been really bad these last two days. Friday I couldn’t even get myself to get out of bed until mid-afternoon. When I did I felt drowzy and unmotivated. I slept good, better than I usually do. Then yesterday I didn’t even wake up until 3:00pm. That’s bad for me, considering I’m one to wake up by 10am, even over the summer. Today I was up earlier, but it’s been the same scenario.

Work ethic.

I skipped work tonight, last night, and Tuesday night. Well, I didn’t really skip… I had a doctors note, in my defense. I hurt my foot, and my doctor gave me a note for three days off. I go back tomorrow. I have a little under 23 hours before I have to be there, but I’m already starting to dread it.

I’m wondering if it’s more me than the job. Maybe I’m just lacking work ethic or motivation. I haven’t either registered for summer classes yet, and they start Monday. Fuck.

I started trying to write last night. Nothing came of it… I probably won’t let anyone read it. I feel like maybe some people shouldn’t.

Summer

This is going to be a quickie because I have to leave for work.

I’m really not liking my job. 40 hours a week, and it’s a freaking part-time job. Nine hours a night, five nights a week. 10pm-7am. All we’re doing is stocking. We don’t even have customers yet. I can’t wait for the freaking store to open so I can do something else.

I think this job is part of what’s making me miserable right now. I don’t want to spend this entire summer miserable, but honestly I’m kind of thinking that’s what’s going to end up happening. Especially because I should be starting classes next week, and picking up another job soon.

I hope this summer isn’t a repeat of last…

Change of Scenery

I think that’s what I’m needing right now.

School ended, unfortunately. Second semester was moderately tame because the only things that were in my life were school and my girlfriend. Most of my friendships crumbled, except for the ones that truly mattered. I spent my nights doing homework and my weekends with my girlfriend.

The week school got out I went to Michigan for five days to work on my 1990 VW Corrado. I got it road-worthy again, and drove it back to Dayton. I stopped and spent a night at my girlfriend’s, who was still in school. Some stuff went down that I wasn’t too happy with, but oh well. It happens. Nothing left to do but get over it.

The week I got home I spent most of my time sitting around, feeling entirely useless. I had started the job hunt, and with Dayton’s economy I was getting nowhere. Tuesday night I picked up my girlfriend. I was already sick of being in Dayton, so I was pretty happy to get out for a few hours, especially to spend it with her.

Nothing too exciting happened after that. I’ve been dealing with a lot of flack from my parents about stuff lately. Grades, money, you name it. Apparently I’m a failure of a son, as I’ve noted before. They say I don’t give enough back, and I honestly can’t think of any way to give anymore than I already do.

I’m out of the house a lot because I can’t fucking stand it here. Being back on the leash of no independence, under my parent’s rule. Fun stuff there. Rules, guidelines, anything. It’s such a culture shock, compared to what I’ve been living like at school.

I did finally get a job. I’m looking for a second. I work third shift at Wal-Mart. I started last night, but had to leave about two hours early because I was basically dying. My manager wasn’t happy at all. I still feel pretty crappy, but can’t call off tonight. I have to work… I need to toughen up and just work through it.

I don’t know… I don’t think I have much else to say.

Because I don’t wanna be like this
I’ve been running these streets
for too long now
I’ve got nothing thats true
but this song now
but the further I go
I wanna go home

Because I don’t wanna be like this
I’ve been running these streets
for too long now
I’ve got nothing thats true
but this song now
but the further I go
I wanna go home

I fuckin’ swear that I care
but its hard when you stare
into the bottom of a bottle
that is empty and bare
all my desolate soul
in my desolate home
it’s my desolate role
yeah I’m here all alone
I can’t think of a reason
to get the fuck out of bed
curtains closed, lights are off
Am I alive or dead?
I haven’t shaved in a week
I always slur when I speak
tolerance at its peak
another fit just to sleep
oh woe is me woe is me
I guess I need love
hoes ya see hoes ya see
I’m just in a rut
and I swear I’m tryin baby please
Baby don’t leave
god-damn I’m a fuck-up
But I guess that’s just me
so I sit in my room
and I’ll cry in my bed
thinkin about all the shit
that made me wrong in my head
I keep tryin to climb
but it seems so steep
pour myself a fuckin’ whisky
and go back to sleep…. bitch

Because I don’t wanna be like this
I’ve been running these streets
for too long now
I’ve got nothing thats true
but this song now
but the further I go
I wanna go home

Because I don’t wanna be like this
I’ve been running these streets
for too long now
I’ve got nothing thats true
but this song now
but the further I go
I wanna go home

I watch my momma cry
she says ‘baby why?’
I say ‘baby died,
baby’s gone like a suicide’
I don’t think you’ll see him soon, mom
stay out my room, mom
tell daddy that I hate
that mother f**ker like you, mom
I sing this shit for you, Danny, Sasha and Jordan
these tears keep gettin warmer
everytime that I hold her
I pour this out for you
like a partner in crime
it’s part of the times
when you’re sick in the mind
yeah I’m sick, oh so sick
I’m so sick of this shit
Yeah I’m lit, oh so lit
I’m so f**ked up off it
so I stumble around
til I stumble fall down
to this puddle of my tears
layin here on the ground

when you’ve got nothing left
you’ve got nothing left to lose
with my last left single breath
I’ll still be singing to you
so when you bury me man
you better bury me deep
and sing along to this song
because you’re broken like me

Because I don’t wanna be like this
I’ve been running these streets
for too long now
I’ve got nothing thats true
but this song now
but the further I go
I wanna go home

And I wanna go back to the start
back where we started from
and I know it’s been so long
I was wrong, I was wrong
I was wrong all along

Because I don’t wanna be like this
I’ve been running these streets
for too long now
I’ve got nothing thats true
but this song now
but the further I go
I wanna go home

Hollywood Undead – The Diary

The Corner

It sheltered me from nothing but the weather
I called it home for a moment of my life
This place I see just doesn’t look familiar
I wonder if it looks the same inside

So there’s the corner that I sat on
The road I walked home in the rain
And there’s the star I used to wish on
It all just seems like yesterday

Days go by
Nothing’s getting clearer
Can’t change my mind
My troubles are the same
Faces change
The names they are familiar
And the streets I see
Will stand the test of time

So there’s the corner that I sat on
The road I walked home in the rain
And there’s the star I used to wish on
It all just seems like yesterday

And those stars
Stars still shine
Shine down through the rain

And there’s the corner that I sat on
The road I walked home in the rain
And there’s the star I used to wish on
It all just seems like yesterday

And I stare out this dirty window
As this world goes slowly by
And somewhere out there is the future
That I once thought had passed me by

Sheltered me from nothing but the weather

Staind – “The Corner”

I’m fearing spring break. Probably the only college kid who is.

Weight

Back in the days of Xanga, I used to end every post with ‘I’m off to save the world again!’

Can anyone even comprehend how much weight that would be on one person, if they had to save the entire world? Did anyone ever think of how much pressure was on Spider-man when Dr. Octavius was about to take over the world? Or what about all of the times Superman had to stop an evil villain from global domination?

Think about it… Every single human life resting on your shoulders. Be it someone trying to take over the world, a meteor flying at our planet that, upon impact, would send such a shock throughout the world that everyone would be blown to pieces? Or here’s a more realistic theory- you’re the one person on the world able to stop the approaching nuclear war.

Every single human life. Every man, mother, child, grandmother, cousin, brother, father, sister, whatever there possibly is. Everyone from the president of the United States, to the faceless hobo on the streetcorner, to your parents, to your wife, to your kids. Everyone in the world, resting on your shoulder. And if you fuck it up, they’re all gone, and it’s all your fault. You’d have to live with that for the rest of your life, if you weren’t dead too.

No pressure, right?

Now.

This weekend was awesome. I’m exhausted and probably won’t go into too much detail right now.

I spent all weekend with my girlfriend. I went out Friday night and stayed with her. Saturday morning we got up to go watch the sunrise, and when we got back into my car I gave her the promise ring I picked up for her on Thursday. I was slightly nervous about how it would go over, but it went really well. She loved it, and so did all of her friends. So there were some huge ego points for me.

Saturday we came back to my school and she met the rest of my friends for the first time. I was pretty nervous because we had had some typical college drama earlier in the week, but everything went great. She really liked them, and they all liked her. It was so reassuring to know that everyone ‘approved’ of her. Not that it would really matter much to me if they didn’t.

I took her back to her school on Sunday. It was incredibly hard to leave her. Even harder than it usually is. Sitting here now I haven’t been able to do anything but think about her all day. It’ll probably only be a few days until we get to see each other again, but it’s going to seem like an eternity.

Driving home last night I had another anxiety attack. Afterwards I had the biggest headache of my life, I had my usual chest pains for a few hours, and I couldn’t keep my eyes open to save my life. I pushed myself until I got back to school, then to make matters worse I was up until about 4:00am doing homework that I had neglected all weekend. I woke up again about 6:00am and continued to finish my homework, because I couldn’t get it all done.

I have a psychiatry appointment at 4:00 this afternoon to “find the cause of [my] attacks.” That should be fun. I was hoping I was done with shrinks for the rest of my life… I guess not.

Fail.

So I failed again. What do you do when your whole life is made of nothing but failures?

People I’ve failed recently… Let’s start with my girlfriend. This is kind of a touchy subject. She tells me she’s cried herself to sleep a few times this school year. I ask why she hasn’t talked to me about it, and she says every time she has I’ve been drunk. I tell her I’ll stop drinking so I can still be there for her, and she gets upset. So I go out and drink tonight, and she gets upset. Of course she won’t tell me, but I know she is.

Then, my parents. They don’t know it, but I’m sure I have. I’m the alcoholic, failure of a son. My ears have “huge holes” in them, and I’m not going to be as successful as either of my parents.

Thirdly, and most possibly most importantly, myself. I can’t even take care of myself half the time… How can I take care of her?

Peace Of Mind

Procrastinating. Just like every college student does. Unfortunately, I’m already struggling for motivation, and it’s only the first day of classes. But oh well.

A bit more on this last weekend. Friday morning I was told that my financial aid had been reinstated and I would be able to return to Ashland. I was super excited about that. I packed up my stuff and headed out and spent the day with my girlfriend. It was one of the first times I’d ever really had any interaction with her friends. I know it’s a big thing for partners not to like the other’s friends, but I honestly like them. Just more pressure to leave a good impression, right?

Saturday morning we braved the snow and went for lunch. Afterwards I gave into peer/self-pressure and started gauging my ears. I’m not going big, just to a 4. They don’t hurt as bad as I thought they would. I’m pretty excited to start expanding them… Too bad I still have to wait a week and a half! We went back to her room and hung out, then decided we would try to stay up all night. She got tired, which was no surprise, after we watched a movie. So we dealt with it, and went and learned a swing dance routine at 1:00am, following the instructions provided on a YouTube video. It was a great time. I really enjoyed it.

I woke up on Sunday morning, then found out one of my ears was bleeding like a motherfucker. I spent the next hour dealing with the slow trickle of blood from it. We went to lunch, then I left and came back here to school. I spent the night catching up with all of my friends that I hadn’t seen in a while, and working on reading the 200 pages for my Media Writing course. And I’m still not even close to being done with that.

I have a good feeling about this semester.

Classes started today. I’ve only had two so far- Ethics and Interpersonal Communication. I’ve got a mountain of reading already for both of these classes, plus an overwhelming amount for my 11:00 media writing course tomorrow morning. I still have my African Writers seminar tonight at 6:30, Media Writing tomorrow morning, and Western Art History II tomorrow at 12:15. My religion course was supposed to be this morning at 8:00am, but it was canceled. So I guess we’ll have to wait until Wednesday to find out about that. But honestly, even though I can tell most of these classes are going to be very time consuming based on all of the books I had to buy (6 for Ethics, 5 for African Writers, 3 for Religion, plus texts for everything else), I feel like I’m actually going to do good this semester. I’m burned out on reading already, but I think I’ll be able to pull through. I hope.

Things besides school are going good too. I have an incredible girlfriend, and I’m taking pride and solace in knowing that she’s going to stand by me through whatever happens. She makes me happier than she realizes. I also have incredible friends that are always up for anything and are always by my side. Well, some of them anyways. I also think things will work out pretty well with my roommate this semester, which is going to be a welcomed first for me. It’s not the same not having my futon in my room, up for crazy college parties every night, but oh well. I need to cut back on that anyways.

Of course there are things I could improve on. I could have a job. I could be a lot closer to my girlfriend. I could have a better relationship with my family. I could have money. But I feel like, in time, things will improve on their own.

Speaking of jobs, I had a phone interview for an internship with the National Society of Leaders. I’m not too sure how it went. I think it may have been good, but I know I could’ve done way better with it. I don’t really care though, because it’s not the internship I want. To the best of my knowledge, the company I applied for in North Carolina wants to make a phone interview this month. I’m pretty excited about that.

Now.

Since the last post…

My car is fixed. I’m about $110 more in debt than I was Tuesday night.

I got to go back to school! I’m extremely happy. I’m back here now and have spent most of the day doing homework that I neglected to do over break and catching up with my friends. I got a new roommate. So far he seems pretty cool. I might’ve finally gotten lucky as far as a roommate situation goes.

Classes start again tomorrow. My first class of the semester has already been cancelled as well… I find that pretty funny. I’m sure I’ll be regretting an 8:00am religion course, or my 6:30-9:15pm seminar. Well, I guess we’ll see how this goes.

I spent the weekend with my girlfriend. It was awesome. We find fun in the smallest things. Like last night, we watched a video on YouTube giving instructions on how to swing dance at about 1:00am. It was so much fun… I never thought I could have so much fun. But I think that’s part of what draws me to her… Just how carefree she makes me.

This update is definitely not as cool as I thought it was going to be.